i am one of those who goes through life searching for something that is not tangible and vinsible...i follow the trail but it leads me to nowhere...i ask around but receives no definitive answer...i look back and i find nothing is there...i move forward...tired, unsure, fearfull...

my misery is the kind that pushes company away...it's selfish and it never wants to share...

it lurks in the deepest recesses of my soul where not even the light can reach it...never coming out...always brooding but never voicing anything...

i never wanted to drag anybody into it with me...i never wanted people to see it and pity me...but sometimes things get too heavy and complicated and all i can do is try to ease the burden that has weighed me down all my life...just looking for a little time and place where i can forget...

i surround myself with people because i never want to be left alone on my own...not because i am clingy or needy...i am just scared at what i might do to me when i spiral down into it's clutches...blood, pain, sorrow, tears...i try to fight my fears...but i am mortal, a mortal who has grown tired and weak...over time it has consumed most of me...almost all of me...

In this world of odds and ends I continually see myself as a spectator of sorts. Forever by the sidelines, looking on as time, people and events passes by…always watching but never participating.

I amuse myself by watching people as they go about their daily lives. As their hopes and dreams are either realized, forgotten or crushed beyond repair by the choices that they make in life. The fun and enjoyment, love and hate, chaos and turmoil that they go through and the challenges that they face molds and changes them for the better or for the worst. I find enjoyment in seeing them at their most vulnerable and weakest moments, during times when they do not know what else to do or where else to turn to.

I feel like the wicked entity alive, then again they did all those things to themselves and I am but a spectator to these events in their lives.

I feel no remorse when I enjoy seeing hopes and dreams dashed and a lifetime of work is deemed useless. Cold and heartless, detached from it all, I continue to watch on. I don't really give a damn for what may happen and to the final outcome

All the world is a stage, and I am just watching…

I feel something stir from deep within…I try to suppress it and push it aside…I have lived with it for all my life and it has been a constant battle that I eventually fall victim to and loose in the end.

But after months of hidding and resting it’s coming alive again…getting excited at the prospect of drawing blood and anguish it can inflict on me and on others. It thrives on bringing pain and chaos detrimental to my demise. 

Foreboding thoughts loom overhead. Casting shadows as far as my eyes can reach.

Guilt is stabbing at me…my conscience beguiling me to move away and disappear in the flood of people that can swallow you whole and cast you in a sea of faces…hiding you from those that choose to seek you out.

Think man…think! What to do? What to choose? Can I stay here?

Flowing continuously and freely

Down the path that has been carved in the earth

Following the straights, curves and turns

Going over and under and all over

Winding up and down

Sometimes down to a trickle

Might comes in the wide open spaces

Raging and gushing forth

Eager to reach the end of the line

Sometimes ever so clearly

The bottom we all can see

Yet there are those whose depths

We can only begin to imagine

With calmness on the surface

And raging furry down below

Hiding the dangers

Bidding you forth

Swallowing you whole

Brings life to all

Yet can be an instrument of destruction

Upon your flaccid tranquility

I gaze upon me

Looking at your crystal clearness

I am beside myself

Admiring your beauty

Flowing, in your path

Offering yet taking life at the same time